Sink of Sadness

My son has never nursed.  He was put in the NICU for jaundice when he was born 4 weeks early and they got him stuck on bottles.  Since he was 2 weeks old I have been attached to my Medela Breast Pump.  I had gotten to be such an over producer that I have donated many ounces to a sweet baby boy in need.   I also had 2000oz of frozen milk in my freezer, awesome! 

I keep a running total of exactly how much milk is in the freezer. There is enough frozen milk to last Bryson 2.5 months.  That means until he is 12mo old he would have more than enough breast milk! Sweet, I can FINALLY quit pumping!  I started the process about a week and a half ago and I was just about to put my breast pump away for good...
...and then I went downstairs to get a bag of milk out. "oh no..." I backed away from the freezer "no, no no....no no..." and this is where I start sobbing uncontrollably and run upstairs to call my mom. (Hubs was working, so I knew he wouldn't answer and I needed to talk to someone NOW)

Now, B was playing in the exersaucer and didn't make a peep, other than his shreeks of excitement while playing for the next 30 minutes. Thank god for my mom.  She came over, helped clean up the mess and let me cry for a little bit.

This is where the sink of sadness comes in. I had to empty out all of the bags of milk....I just watched all my loving hard work go down the drain, 10oz at a time....this is the aftermath

  I didn't cry anymore until I was in the shower that night.  Then I sobbed again.  I had to let it all out.  How the heck did this happen?! I worked so hard and for so long to make sure my son had breast milk until he was a year old!! 

I decided I could feel bad until the next morning, but then it was just another day.  No more dwelling on it, being sad wasn't going to bring all my milk back.  It also isn't going to feed the babe. 

So, here I go, back at it. I am now re-lactating. For someone who NEVER had an issue with supply before, this blows.  I'm on Fenugreek, drinking tons of water and Mothers Milk tea and pumping every 3 hours. SUCK.  But it's for my baby.  My sweet amazing little boy.  He deserves this if I can give it to him. 

Go ahead, feel bad for me.  I know you want to!